I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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