If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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