Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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