Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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