How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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