So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
