brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
