how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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