I wish my penis had an off switch
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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