Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
