Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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