4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
