Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
