I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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