I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
