Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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