if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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