If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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