dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
