Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
