...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
