I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my poor anus
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
