There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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