so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
