Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
