i already hear my dad disowning me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
