it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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