chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
