take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
