someone threw a dead crab at me
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
