Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
