If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize