I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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