tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
