I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize