sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
