You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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