Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
