I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
