dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
