You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
