Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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