Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
