just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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