My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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