i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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