you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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