I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
