We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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