I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
