Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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