She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
