Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
