Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
