Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
