R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
