I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize