Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
